Trying to love me

        This post is going to be difficult to write. It might be difficult for some people to read. This is your warning. If you have been in a toxic relationship, whether it be a parent, a significant other or a friend, this could be triggering. 

    I had a friend. I called her my best friend. More than that I called her my sister. We grew up together in church, from the toddler room through the youth group and high school graduation. We had our ups and downs. A lot of ups and downs. I never thought about why that was. I figured friends fight. Right? Well, fast forward to 2016. I lost my Gram in February of that year. She lost her mom right after that. During this time I was figuring out that MY mom is a narcissist. I was also figuring out that this friend really only wanted to spend time with me if I was the one who drove 4 hours to wherever she was living at the time, dragging my kids with me. Then she would come to visit her family, who lives about 20 ish minutes away from me and she would never make the effort to come see me. Or meet for lunch. She was so busy with ‘family’. 

    When she first had her kids, my husband and I offered to help her because her husband was pastoring a small church and had let friends move in with them and they had no money. Then they moved closer to home and we helped them with rent, cable, stuff in general. Then it became “Hey, we need some money for this bill, could you do it?”

    Over the years we probably ‘gifted’ them 10’s of thousand of dollars  for various things. We never expected anything in return and we were happy to do it. Until. Until it became expected. It was expected that whenever she called we would just send the money. When we didn’t I would get frozen out for weeks. 

    Then she realized her marriage was over (AND the guy she had been sleeping with dumped her) and wanted to get drunk together. Ok fine. (By the way - NEVER drink 99 Bananas. Ever.) We weren’t home and I told her to go into the house and wait. While she did she drank ( and hubs thinks she was smoking something too ) so she was already tipsy when I started drinking. She obviously didn’t want to drive back to her brother’s house where she was staying so my hubs said he would drive her back whenever she was ready. So he did. On the drive she tried to give him a BJ. Then when they got there she tried to have s3x with him. He told me all of this the next morning because he didn’t want her to tell me and spin it in a different way. 

 AND I FORGAVE HER. 

    Ok. I know if you have gotten this far you are probably saying WHAT? 

    My hubs told me to give her the benefit of the doubt because she had been drinking, she was stressed about her marriage and what her kids were going to think about the divorce. She probably didn’t even know what she was doing because she was so drunk. I am still not sure it is possible to be so drunk you don’t know you are trying to have s3x with your best friends husband, but oh well. 

    Time goes on and we don’t talk as much. Unless she is calling for money. She tried to guilt trip me a couple of times when I said we couldn’t send anything. Then she was dating someone new. I never met him. We were invited to their wedding, but we didn’t go. Her facebook posts about him were SO sickeningly sweet. How much they were in love, etc. Then, the next thing I knew she had changed her name back to her maiden name on FB. When I messaged her about it she said that she was taking back her name because they were getting divorced. I asked why and she said drugs, abuse, adultery.  I was a little snarky and said but you were so sickeningly sweet! Her response was Yes. I’m ok. Thanks for asking. And then she blocked me. SHE BLOCKED ME. After everything that she had done TO me. I said one snarky thing and I get blocked. I was so angry about that. For a long time. It still upsets me almost 3 years later. 

    So, I titled this blog Trying to love me. That’s what I have been doing. Or trying to do. Holding on to this anger is not doing me any good. I know she has no idea that I am still angry about it, so its not bothering her. It just gets in my way. So I have decided to just give it all to God. He wants all of our burdens, worries, things that anger us. As humans it is difficult for us to do. Especially for those of us with ADHD, anxiety, or depression. My brain never turns off. I will be almost asleep and my brain with come up with something like. ‘Hey, remember in 4th grade when the entire class laughed at you? Good times.’ And then I am awake and re-living every horrible thing that ever happened to me. I am not saying I will not pick this back up and think about it, because I am human. However, I know God has it and that makes it easier to let go of. 

    1 Peter 5:6-7 (NKJV) Therefore humble yourselves under the might hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.